work n progress!! fictional virtual diary
not all of these r depressing. not all of them will b n order
i've always been afraid of coming off as obseesive. possessive? who knows, but i can't stop the pang of jealousy in my chest when a friend (or simply someone i'm talking to) turns their attetion to someone/something else. am i not enough for you? is my presence that boring to you?
the jealousy feels white and hate, like fictional rage. i hate it. i want to keep you to myself.
i love you, but i hate you when you're not with me.
ugh. who types out ugh lmao
sometimes i fear i'm not good enough, that everyone everywhere would be better off without me. but i'm not possessed (right?) i have my worths, my values, even if they're in the wrong places. thyey're there, i swear. i just have to find them.
i just don't know where they are
anyway school starts on tuesday and i want to KILL MYSELF (not really need not to be alarmed). i hate school, i hate waking up just to do the same bullshit everyday.
i hate this. i hate waking up. i wish i could sleep forever
remembering the time my dad (kind of) called me a masochist. well- he didnt say "x, ur a masochist" but he went on some rant on how people who like pain - cough self-harmers cough - are masochists, which means they're weird.
how is this him calling me a masochist? well- we were talking about my self harm, how suicides a sin, shit like that when he said it. this was a spring/summer or 2 ago but i still vaguely remember it. i guess ive been missing self destruction lately.